Holding yourself back rarely looks dramatic. It looks like not applying, not posting, not speaking up, and calling it being sensible. Most signs you’re holding yourself back are quiet habits you’ve had for so long they feel like part of your personality.
The good news is that habits can change. Confidence isn’t something you’re born with. You build it, one small piece of evidence at a time.
Here are seven signs to look out for, why each one happens, and one small thing to try instead.
- You talk yourself out of trying before you’ve started
- You brush off compliments
- You wait to feel confident before making a move
- You compare your beginning to someone else’s middle
- You shrink your opinions to be liked
- You turn one bad day into proof you’re incapable
- You keep promises to everyone except yourself
Count how many sound like you, then read on for what to do about each one.
1. You talk yourself out of trying before you’ve even started
You see the job, the course or the opportunity, and within ten seconds you’ve listed every reason it won’t work. Not qualified enough. Not the right time. Someone better will apply. You never hear a no, because you never asked.
This is your brain trying to protect you from disappointment. Saying no to yourself first feels safer than hearing it from someone else.
Try this: make “apply anyway” your default for anything where the worst outcome is a polite no. Let other people do the rejecting. That isn’t your job.
2. You brush off compliments instead of letting them land
“Oh, this old thing.” “I just got lucky.” “It was a team effort.” Deflecting praise feels modest, but every time you wave it away, you throw out evidence that you’re good at something.
Accepting a compliment can feel like showing off, especially if you grew up being told not to. But letting it land isn’t arrogance. It’s just agreeing with someone who noticed.
Try this: say “thank you” and stop there. No explanation, no “but”. For bonus points, write it down (more on that below).
3. You wait to feel confident before making a move
It’s easy to treat confidence like a ticket you need before you’re allowed in. You’ll start the business, post the video or book the class once you feel ready.
The order actually runs the other way. Confidence comes from doing the thing, not before it. Feeling ready is usually something you get afterwards.
Try this: pick the smallest version of the thing you’ve been putting off and do it this week. Not the whole thing. Ten minutes, one message, one rep.
4. You compare your beginning to someone else’s middle
You’re on day one, scrolling past someone in year five, and deciding you’re behind. You’re comparing your messy start with their edited highlights. They had a messy start too; you just didn’t see it.
Social media shows the results and rarely the years of practice behind them, so the comparison was never fair in the first place.
Try this: compare yourself with who you were six months ago, not with a stranger online. If one account always leaves you feeling worse, mute it. You can always unmute later.
5. You shrink your opinions because being liked feels safer
You agree in the meeting, then disagree in the group chat afterwards. You soften every message with “just”, “sorry” and “probably a silly question, but”. Your opinions exist. They just never leave your head.
Wanting to be liked is human, and disagreeing can feel risky. But people can’t respect ideas they never get to hear.
Try this: share one real opinion this week, somewhere low-stakes. Then delete every “just” and “sorry” from one email before you send it.
6. You turn one bad day into proof that you’re incapable
One missed workout becomes “I’m so lazy”. One awkward presentation becomes “I’m not cut out for this”. A single bad day gets treated as the final verdict on who you are.
This is all-or-nothing thinking, and it’s exactly what the 80/20 approach is built to fix. Getting it right most of the time is the goal. A bad day is part of the 20%, not proof of anything.
Try this: when it happens, ask yourself what you’d say to a friend who’d had the same day. Then say that to yourself.
7. You keep promises to everyone except yourself
You’d never cancel on a friend at the last minute. But the gym session, the early night or the hour on your own project? Those get moved first, every time.
Every promise you break to yourself teaches you that your word to yourself doesn’t count. Every promise you keep does the opposite. That’s where self-trust comes from, and self-trust is what confidence is built on.
Try this: make one promise to yourself this week that’s small enough you can’t fail, and keep it. Then make the next one slightly bigger.
How to stop holding yourself back
The version of you who believes in herself isn’t a different girl. She’s you, with more evidence that she can do hard things.
Confidence isn’t a personality type. It’s a pile of proof. Every time you apply anyway, accept a compliment, share an opinion or keep a promise to yourself, you add to it.
Three ways to start collecting that evidence:
- Keep an evidence list. In your notes app, write down one thing a day that felt slightly scary and you did anyway, plus any compliment you were tempted to brush off. Read it back on the days you doubt yourself.
- Pick one sign, not seven. Choose the one from this list that hit hardest and focus on it for a month. Trying to fix everything at once is just all-or-nothing thinking again.
- Aim for 80%, not perfect. You’ll still talk yourself out of things sometimes. That’s fine. The goal is to do it less often than you used to.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I’m holding myself back?
Common signs include talking yourself out of opportunities, brushing off compliments, waiting to feel ready, comparing yourself to others, hiding your opinions, treating one bad day as proof you’re incapable, and breaking promises to yourself. If you recognise two or three, you’re completely normal, and you’ve found your starting point.
Why do I hold myself back?
Usually to stay safe. Not trying protects you from rejection, staying quiet protects you from disagreement, and waiting until you feel ready protects you from looking like a beginner. That protection works in the short term, but it also stops you collecting the evidence that builds confidence.
How do I stop holding myself back?
Start small and collect evidence. Pick one habit from this list, do the opposite in a low-stakes way, and write it down when you do. Confidence grows from repeated proof that you can do hard things, not from waiting until you feel ready.
Is holding yourself back the same as low self-esteem?
They overlap, but holding yourself back is often about everyday habits rather than how you see yourself overall, and small changes to those habits can make a real difference. If you feel low most of the time, or it’s affecting your daily life, talk to your GP or a qualified professional.
Start collecting your evidence
You don’t need to fix all seven at once. Pick one and start this week.
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Come and say hi on Instagram at @escape.ordinaryy. Send me a message and tell me which sign hit closest to home.
